


I Need to be Broken

by Aegontargaryen (orphan_account)



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-22
Updated: 2016-10-06
Packaged: 2018-07-26 07:45:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7565911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Aegontargaryen





	1. Chapter 1

Alec Lightwood was depressed- there was no questioning that. He hadn't come out of the Institute since his and Magnus's breakup, and he could tell that his siblings were starting to worry. It was true that he was loosing weight quickly, and it was true that he had cried more in the past few weeks than he could remember ever crying before, but what did everyone expect? He missed Magnus more than he had first thought he would, and it was killing him. He missed feeling like he belonged…

The sound of his stomach's growling snapped Alec out of his reverie, and he pulled himself from the bed and shuffled his way into the bathroom. Alec stopped in front of the mirror and a whole new wave of disgust hit him. He was so pathetic- no wonder Magnus didn't want him! Alec choked on a sob and ran back to his room, slamming the door behind him. He didn't deserve to eat. Maybe that would be his punishment for being such a failure- he could starve himself. Alec buried his face in his pillow, his heart breaking a little more with each tear that fell.

Alec's door nudged open, Jace stepping inside quietly. He sat down on the edge of his stepbrother's bed, and sighed.

"Alec…" he began, "I'm worried about you. Every time I see you, you look more and more thin…you're beginning to look emaciated, Alec, you need to eat more."

Alec pulled himself into a sitting position, and glared at Jace. "I'm fine," he whispered.

Jace's eyes widened. "Alec, you're shaking! Have you eaten at all?"

Alec shook his head and lay back down. "I'm fine, Jace. I can't eat. I need to be perfect. I don't deserve to." Alec coughed, his vision slowly blurring. "You're fuzzy, Jace. Let me sleep."

Jace stood up slowly, and ran out the door. "Something's wrong with Alec!" he yelled. Much to his relief it was Isabelle who heard him, and she rushed into her brother's room.

"Alec!" she exclaimed, sitting down next to him. She placed her hand over his heart and gasped. His ribs were protruding. She helped his shirt off over his head, and covered her mouth with her hand. His stomach was sunken in, and every one of his bones stuck out. He was unbearably thin.

"Izzy…" Alec trailed off. He was so tired…

Jace had carried Alec into the infirmary, much to Alec's dismay. Jace couldn't believe how light Alec was- he weighed almost as little as Clary. He gently set Alec on a bed. Alec curled into a ball on his side, and shivered. He didn't deserve to be taken care of- why couldn't they just leave him alone?

"I called Mom- she said she'd try to be back as soon as possible, but she's at a Clave meeting- could be a while." Isabelle sighed. "We should get some fluids in him- he's probably dehydrated too. Be careful, though, I've heard anorexics can get heart attacks easily- he's so thin…"

"I'm not anorexic." Alec coughed, barely able to talk.

"Call Magnus," Jace suggested, staring worriedly at his step brother. "He'll know what to do. And Luke." Isabelle nodded, and Jace searched the cabinets for an IV bag. He was so worried.

"Alec, come on, you have to give me your arm." Alec buried his head in the pillow. Why wouldn't they understand? He had hurt Magnus, the only person he had ever truly loved, so he needed to hurt himself as well. "Alec, please. Please…I want you to get better. You have to let me help you."

He couldn't stand the pain in Jace's voice, couldn't stand knowing he was the cause of it. Alec closed his eyes, trying not to cry again, and held his arm out for Jace. He sighed apprehensively at the cool of the alcohol on his skin, and winced as the needle went into his vein. He was sorry that Jace had to go through this, had to help his broken brother when he had lost so much already. He was disgusted at himself.

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm so glad Valentine taught me the fundamentals of medicine and treatments," Alec heard Jace mumble.

"Yeah," Isabelle agreed. "Magnus is on his way- I told him that Alec needed help- but he didn't sound too happy of it. Temperamental Warlock…"

Alec blacked out.

The next few hours were a blur. Alec somehow wound up on Magnus's lap on the hospital bed, but other than being there for Alec, there really wasn't much he could do. Luke and Clary came over, and brought a feeding tube. Alec buried his face in Magnus's shirt, crying.

"Magnus don't make them! I don't want to eat, please. I can't! I don't deserve to. I need to be broken!" Alec tried to yell, and Magnus wrapped his arms around the hysteric Shadowhunter. Alec protested, but he was weak and tired and eventually stopped thrashing. "Fine," he choked. "Fine. But Magnus, talk to me. Please talk to me. Tell me you love me. I'm scared, Magnus."

"I love you, Alec. I never stopped loving you." Magnus brushed Alec's hair from his blue eyes. Luke sighed sadly, and pushed the tube down Alec's throat. Alec's muscles tightened for a moment in discomfort, and Magnus kissed his forehead. "You're okay, love, you're okay. I promise you, you'll be okay."

Magnus was horrified that Alec had stopped eating all because of him. Now here they were again, Alec clinging onto Magnus like he was falling, which wasn't really saying much. Alec had lost so much weight, and he felt so weak, his grip was like a child's…it broke Magnus to see his Alec like that- wasting away to nothing, barely able to breathe, hooked up to drips trying to restore some of his strength. He was even being unwillingly fed through a tube, all because of him. Magnus sighed, thinking about why he had gotten mad at Alec…was it really worth breaking his heart over?

"Alec, I am so sorry…"


	2. Chapter 2

Alec groaned, confused. Where was he?

And then he remembered. He was in the Institute's infirmary on one of those uncomfortable beds, hooked up to- God forbid- a heart monitor and an IV drip. He growled, reaching to pull the wires off, when a cool hand caught his. Magnus. He had thought he was alone. "Don't," Magnus sighed. He sat down at the top of the bed, and Alec rested his head in the Warlock's lap. "Oh God," Magnus choked. "I didn't know if you'd be okay. Alec, you need to eat. You can't be tube fed forever."

Alec's eyes widened, and he brought his hand to his face- he had a new tube down his nose, replacing the one in his throat. "No…I don't deserve to. I can't. I need to break myself, so no one will ever try to fix me, so no one will ever hurt me again. People don't like broken things- they want perfect things- like you."

"I'm sorry, Alec. Why did you go back to Camille, though?"

"She gets it…" Alec sighed, blushing.

"Gets what?"

"What it's like loving you…she knew you. I wanted to hear about you."

"Oh Alec…I am so so sorry, I didn't know. I wish I would have listened to you. I am sorry, love."

"It's okay," Alec sighed. "I'm still broken, though. I love you, Magnus, but I don't deserve you. I'm broken."

"No, you're not. You are amazing. I love you. I'm sorry."

"Magnus, I hurt. Make the hurt go away."

"Eat."

"I don't deserve to."

"Love, I promise you, you do."

"No. I don't," Alec whispered. "I have to be broken." His breaths were so shallow…he needed to eat- he wouldn't be okay otherwise. The blood they had taken from him last night showed that he was deteriorating, and Magnus was worried. If Alec died…Magnus shook that thought away. He wouldn't.

"I love you. Alec, if you don't eat, you won't get better. You need to get better." Magnus choked, leaning over and kissing Alec's forehead. His cat eyes glittered with tears, but he blinked them back. You need to get better for me.

Alec sighed at Magnus's kiss. He looked up into his eyes, and felt a pang- he could tell that Magnus was trying not to cry. He reached up and wiped away the lone tear that had escaped, trying not to be annoyed that an IV line was taped on the back of his hand. He didn't want to be here, in the infirmary. He didn't want people to be worried about him, especially not Magnus. He didn't deserve Magnus, and he knew that. Alec wanted to be back up in his room, alone. He didn't want to be force fed through a tube- he didn't want to be fed at all. He knew he didn't deserve to eat, didn't deserve to live, never mind what Magnus said. "I'm sorry," he breathed, apologizing for so many different things.

He was sorry that Magnus had to be here, worrying about him.

He was sorry that he wasn't good enough for anything.

He was, though, mainly sorry, for what he was planning on doing that night.


	3. Chapter 3

Alec woke up at around 2 AM; Magnus was asleep in a chair at his bedside, and the Institute was silent. Alec sighed- should he do this, really?

Yes. You aren't worth anything, he told himself. Biting his lip, he pulled the chords from the heart monitor off his chest, the IV line from his hand, and the tube from his nose. He slowly stood up, feeling lightheaded, and stumbled out the door. He found his Steele, and etched a Strength rune on his shoulder. He felt refreshed, but he knew it would only last an hour at most.

Better get moving.

Alec stepped past Church, trying not to wake the irritable cat, and out the Institute's front door. He had to get away.

Alec walked down the dimly lit street and into the park. The chirping of thousands of crickets followed him as he came to the edge of the woods. His strength rune was already starting to wear off, which worried him. He had wanted to get at least a mile into the woods before dawn. He took off then, leaves crunching underneath his feet as he raced into the forest, deeper and deeper into the thicket.

Go, go, go!

Finally, Alec could run no more. He collapsed at the base of a tree, ashamed of his weakness. His head was pounding and his heart was racing. He felt awful, and had only made it about half as far as he had hoped. Alec contemplated drawing another rune, but his Steele was in his back pocket, and he was too tired to get it. He cursed himself angrily, tears dripping down his face, before he finally nodded off into a fitful sleep.

The morning light shone through the infirmary's windows, awakening Magnus. He glanced over at Alec-

Alec! He was gone.

Magnus jumped up in horror- Alec had taken the medical equipment off and had left!

"You stupid Shadowhunter!" he yelled angrily. He could get a heart attack, how could he be so freaking stupid? Magnus ran downstairs, blue sparks shooting from his fingertips. Jace was making breakfast, looking ruffled, and Isabelle was eating cereal, as perfectly groomed as ever. "He's gone! Your stupid brother is gone!"

Isabelle's eyes widened. "What?" she yelled, jumping up. Her bowl tipped and fell, splashing milk all over the kitchen. Church came and began to lap it up quickly.

Jace didn't look surprised. "What an idiot," he growled, pushing back his golden hair. "I bet he went into the woods. Ohmigosh, Alec. How dumb can you get?"

"Call Luke and Mom," Isabelle yelled frantically. "He could be dead!"

Magnus gasped. "Don't say that! Let's go find him!"


	4. Chapter 4

Finding Alec was easy enough. Jace had been right- Alec had gotten about half a mile into the woods and had collapsed at the base of a tree. Magnus's heart broke, seeing his love lying there like that. If it weren't for the small movement of his chest as he breathed, Magnus would have thought Alec was dead.

"Luke's back at the Institute," Isabelle said when Magnus lifted Alec. Magnus nodded numbly. Alec hadn't woken. They drove back to the Institute in Eric's van, which Simon had brought over earlier that morning.

Magnus brought Alec back upstairs into the infirmary. Luke was waiting there, and Magnus climbed onto the bed with Alec. He watched as Luke drew some more blood from Alec, and waited anxiously for the results.

"He's gotten worse," Luke sighed. "All that running has taken a toll on Alec. It's going to be harder to fix him."

Alec shifted, his beautiful blue eyes opening. His expression crumpled when he realized he was back. "Magnus, no! Don't let them fix me. Don't let them! Take me back! No!" Alec was hysterical. Magnus looked down sadly.

"I can't, love. I want you to get better. I know you don't want to, but you have to. I'm sorry." He hugged the Shadowhunter as Luke put the feeding tube back down Alec's nose. Alec fought him, but Magnus was stronger.

"No!" Alec managed. He didn't want to be fed. He wanted to leave. No one would listen to him!

"Oh, Alec," Isabelle begged. "You'll be okay. Please try to get better."

Alec turned his face away. He didn't want anyone to see him, not like he was. Isabelle sighed and left the room. Luke stayed for a bit longer, reattaching Alec's IV and heart monitor. Alec didn't fight him this time. He just laid there, his face turned into Magnus's shirt. Magnus watched Alec sadly. He didn't like seeing him in so much pain. Luke eventually went downstairs, leaving the two alone.

"Alec, we need to talk."


End file.
